About Mixing, Dating, & Marriage in Islam

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Introduction
In Islam, the main building block for society is composed of the permanent relationship between a man and a woman in the form of marriage to establish a family. To protect and preserve this cornerstone, Islam forbids all forms of temporary (typically pre-marital) relationships between a man and a woman – this means private interactions with someone of the opposite gender, friendships with someone of the opposite gender, and illicit affairs or Western notions of boyfriend and girlfriend are all prohibited. Remember that God (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) never prohibits something unless it is harmful to us. These prohibitions limit activities that may put one at risk for harassment and rape, as well as protect the hearts of individuals not compatible for marriage.

Muslims in America may need to exercise extra restraint to comply with these Islamic requirements, as media as well as movies tend to promote such Western notions that do not comply with the teachings of Islam. In addition, in the Western society of regular interactions between the two genders, people may be approached more for dating and therefore have to exercise extra restraint. This also means that as a convert, you will be going against the norm of your social group as well as the traditions of your family, and this can be quite difficult. Remember though, just because something is normal for a society does not justify participating in it nor does it make it right. For example, in the society that the Prophet, Peace Be Upon Him, (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) lived, burying baby girls alive was the norm. Of course, the principles of Islam prohibited such barbarism, regardless of what was widespread at the time. In fact, the Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) told us that those who follow the right path will always be ‘different’ or ‘strange’ to the mainstream. In one hadith, the Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: “Islam initiated as something strange, and it would revert to its (old position) of being strange. so good tidings for the stranger.” (Reference: Hadith Related by Muslim, Book 1, #270).

For both male and female, marriage should be the goal all along, even as either one or both develop feelings of love, since in Islam love should be for the sake of Allâh (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى). Prophet Mohammad (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) says: “There are three qualities for which anyone who is characterised by them will relish the sweetness of faith: he to whom Allah (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) and His Messenger (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) are dearer than all else; he who loves a man for Allah's (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) sake alone; and he who has as great an abhorrence of returning to unbelief after Allah (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) has rescued him from it as he has of being cast into Hell.” (Reference: Hadith related by Muslim, Book 1, #67, 68). As such, love should come with devoutness or piety, and without that it becomes mischief.


Private interactions and friendships with someone of the opposite gender
Islam has set the ground rules for acceptable relationships between males and females. Allâh (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) knows what is best for you as an individual and what is best for the society as a whole. Islam prohibits a man and a woman from being alone together (known as khilwa, خلوة), and prohibits physical contact before marriage. These restrictions are very different from Western society’s accepted level of interaction between people of different genders, and will require adjustments by Muslim converts.

In Islam, the objective harbored in any lawful interaction between a man and a woman should be for seeking marriage as the goal all along. When there is a proceeding towards marriage, matrimonial approach through proper and respectful channels should be pursued with this focus in mind, and with no temporary trial relationship phase. Friendships or unnecessary interactions (e.g. “hanging out”) between man and woman, even if seemingly innocent, have no place in Islam. Limiting friendships to same-gender individuals may be one of the more difficult lifestyle changes for a Muslim convert, especially during the process of informing existing opposite-gender friends about this change in friendships without being hurtful, or causing drama within one’s existing friend group, and re-establishing same-gender friends as the closer confidantes.

Clearly, all interactions between people of the opposite gender can not be avoided, such as in the workplace and in social settings. These interactions should be limited to only what is necessary, and seclusion is always to be avoided. There will likely be challenging situations to manage, for example if you have mandatory quarterly one-on-one performance meetings with your manager who happens to be of the opposite gender. If a meeting must be one-on-one, you can request these meetings take place in a quiet area of a more public space than your managers office, such as a quiet area of a coffee shop or the office cafeteria. Or you may request the office door be open during the meeting, or if the location must be private you can request to meet in a room with clear glass windows. It is clear such private conversations must take place, but these extra steps to reduce privacy not only help you comply with Islamic requirements, but also help prevent inappropriate workplace activities or even sexual harassment that may take place against you. The meeting should be terminated once the professional part is concluded, without entering into redundant friendly talk. The Islamic requirement of modest dressing and behaviors also compliment this safeguard.


Dating is prohibited
Allâh (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) addresses men:

“And so (lawful to you, in marriage) are the virtuous/chaste women of the believers and the virtuous/chaste women of those who received the Scripture/Book before you (Jews and Christians) when you give them their due bridal dowers, desiring chastity (legal wedlock), not in lewdness/fornication (illegal sexual relationship), nor taking them as intrigues/concubines/girlfriends, whoso denieth/rejects faith, his work is vain/naught, and in the Hereafter shall be among the losers” (Reference: Qur'ân, Surat Al-Maeda 5:5)

Dating, as in having a one-on-one intimate pre-marital relationship, or privately getting to know each other in a very deep way, or spending time together alone, are all prohibited in Islam [6]. Verse 5:5 above lays out the basic ground rules for one to follow. In another verse, Allâh (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) addresses men “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (limit their looking for it becomes forbidden) and guard their private parts (be modest), that is purer for them. Indeed Allâh is acquainted with what they do” (Reference: Qur'ân, Surat Al-Noor, 24:30). Furthermore, Allâh (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) addresses women “And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and guard their private parts, and not display their zeenah (adornments) . . . ” (Reference: Qur'ân, Surat Al-Noor, 24:31). These two verses will obviously be violated even in private non-physical relationships that could “excite” either the male or female. The instruction to lower gaze for both men and women further prohibits them from looking beyond the first casual look, and that is inevitably violated by dating, living together, or spending time together alone, etc. Clearly extra-marital intercourse (zina) is prohibited, and is considered to be a grave sin in Islam. But Allâh (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) did not just prohibit zina, but instructed to maintain a margin of safety away from it, as He says: “And come not near to the unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a Fâhishah [i.e. anything that transgresses its limits (a great sin)], and an evil way (that leads one to Hell unless Allâh forgives him). ” (Reference: Qur'ân, Surat Al-Isra’ 17:32).


Matrimonial approach
Many marriages in the Muslim world are coordinated and/or mediated by parents or guardians on one or both ends. While this is not a mandatory approach, it provides a time-tested example of a successful path towards marriage. Initially, there are recurring periods of mediated and overseen meetings and communications between the two potential spouses (but none occurring in isolation), such as the man making visits to the meet the woman at her parents’ home or in a public place and, in both cases, in the presence of a guardian (e.g. her father or brother or uncle or a close adult male relative who is a Muhram (محرم) to her, i.e. cannot marry her).

Although criticized or even sarcastically spoken of in Western culture, such coordinated or mediated marriages have statistically proven to be successful, most likely because the couple in such an approach focus on a thorough and critical evaluation of compatibility in terms of character, religious foundation and commitment, honesty, good manners, family and social values, etc. Of these traits, the Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) placed faith and manner the most high.

The Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) says in guiding men in their search for their lifetime partner: “"A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.” (Reference: Hadith related by Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, #27) and "“A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status. her beauty and her religion, so try to get one who is religious, may your hand be besmeared with dust.” (Reference: Hadith related by Muslim, Book 8, #3457).

The Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman." (Reference: Hadith related by Muslim).

To protect society, Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) encourage men who can't afford to marry to fast. (Reference: Hadith related by Bukhari, Volume 3, Book 31, #129). Also fasting is considered a shield in general. (Reference: Hadith related by Muslim, Book 6, #2565)

The Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman." (Reference: Hadith related Muslim, Book 8, #3465)

Islam is against racial discrimination and only ranks individuals on their level of righteousness and taqwa (piety). The Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) married women across ethnic lines, and therefore, in Islam, there is no ethnic bar to marriage. The Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) also made it very clear, in his last Khutba, that superiority in Islam is not based on blackness, whiteness, Arabness or the lack of it. While some Muslims may justify this as simply a measure to ensure compatibility between husband and wife, it is Islamically incorrect to discriminate upright Muslims on this basis. The Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) was once asked by his companions, "O Allah's Apostle! Who is the most honorable amongst the people (in Allah's Sight)?" He said, "The most righteous amongst them." (Reference: Hadith related by Bukhari, Volume 4, Book 55, #572). In another hadith, some people asked the Prophet: "Who is the most honorable amongst the people?" He replied, "The most honorable among them is the one who is the most Allah-fearing." (Reference: Hadith related by Bukhari, Volume 4, Book 55, #593). Clearly faith and manner should be given more emphasis than appearances, social status, race, culture, etc. Of course different cultures, education levels, etc. may present challenges, however as documented on this site, this should not overcome the emphasis on good traits and faith. This would occur with relatively more clarity as it develops in parallel with a potential mutual liking and/or mutual feelings, rather than being confounded by leading love and romance as could happen in the Western approach (pre-marital relationships), where the evaluation of compatibility may get clouded by the effects of the romantic courtship and physical involvement (somehow having an intimate romantic courtship, a physical relationship, or even living together have failed to produce reliable marriage success rates in the Western society).

Once the couple see comprehensive and broad compatibility in their initial set of meetings, they can agree to take the next step in which the man makes a marriage proposal to the woman. Contrary to western culture, there is no period of engagement when the man and woman are not in official wedlock yet spend time alone together or meet or talk or go out in isolation.

In practice, if a man likes a woman (with the pure intention of marriage) that he has casually met or whom he knows from work, neighborhood, or via acquaintances, etc, he should follow the proper channels to propose to her (e.g. ask to speak her father or brother or guardian to arrange for a visit in the presence of a guardian to move the process along) [6]. If a Muslim man has the desire, willingness, and ability to assume marital responsibilities, and he does not have anyone in mind, he may ask his friends, colleagues, family, and relatives, etc (or enquire at an Islamic center) about whether there is a woman who might be suitable for him among their acquaintances and relatives, and then the couple can meet with their family members [6].

For additional information regarding Islamic marriages, please visit: http://www.soundvision.com/Info/weddings/faqs.asp.


Who Muslims are permitted to marry
Neither Muslim men nor Muslim women are allowed to marry a non-believer. Allâh (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) says: "Do not marry unbelieving (infidel) women until they believe; for a believing slave woman is better than an unbelieving woman (infidel) even though she may allure/please you (even if you like her). Nor marry your women to unbelieving men (infidel) until they believe: a believing man slave is better than an unbelieving man (infidel), even though he may allure/please you (even if you like him). Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the fire. But Allah (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of Bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear (expounded) to mankind: that they may receive admonition." (Reference: Qur'ân, Surat Al-Baqara, 2:221).

While verse 5:5 permits Muslim men to marry Muslim women or women among the People of the Book (i.e. Christians or Jews), it is not an encouraged option. Although there will be some common religious ground since the Muslim man also believes in the Jewish and Christian Prophets (AS, عليهم السلام) and their messages (in their true original form), many challenges will need to be managed, and they must agree to raise their children as Muslims. However, true and proper marriage in Islam is between a Muslim man and Muslim woman.

Marriage must be by choice
In the marriage process, Islam prohibits a man nor woman from being forced or coerced or compelled into accepting marriage; rather, both should voluntarily come to that conclusion based on their comfort with one another and their mutual liking/feelings. The woman should also deliver her consent before the marriage can move forward, as the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) has stated: “The widow or the divorced woman shall not be married until she has consented to marriage and the virgin shall not be married until her consent is sought” – It was asked, "O Allâh's Apostle! How will she (the virgin) express her consent?" He said, "By keeping silent." (Reference: Hadith related by Muslim, Book 9, #3303–8) For a virgin woman, her approval and her choice of a partner is subject to the approval of the father or guardian (to safeguard her welfare and interests), as she may be overtaken by emotion in some cases and may overlook critical missing components in the proposing spouse to reliably be able to take care of her. On the other hand, the guardian should not pressure or compel the woman into accepting a certain marriage proposal if she is not willing to accept, as the Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) did nullify the marriage of a girl who complained to him that her father had married her against her wishes.


Additional avenues to meet other Muslims for marriage prospects
Nowadays, some Muslims are turning to the Internet as a means to search for their future spouse. Some popular matrimonial websites are provided below. Matrimonial sites allow one to meet Muslims for marriage prospects while not breaking any Islamic rules. Using these sites, people can read one another’s profiles, exchange a few anonymous messages through the matrimonial service’s messaging system, and then if they find each other interesting they can take it offline and contact each other’s families to continue the proper marriage path.

In addition, some mosques or Muslim organizations organize marriage events. This is similar to Western ‘speed dating’ events, and allow Muslims to meet face-to-face in a structured and supervised environment. Family members or other guardians are encouraged to accompany singles and provide objective feedback to the event attendee. One such organized event is the Muslim Singles Networking Event.


Additional Links


References:

  1. [Direct hadith reference replaced website]
  2. http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/question-regarding-dating/
  3. http://www.muslim-dating.net/islam-dating/
  4. http://www.islamfortoday.com/girlfriend.htm
  5. http://islam.about.com/od/marriage/a/courtship.htm
  6. http://newsgroups.derkeiler.com/Archive/Uk/uk.religion.islam/2008-06/msg00090.html
  7. http://www.jannah.org/sisters/marr.html