Mixing, Dating, and Marriage

About Mixing, Dating, & Marriage in Islam

Introduction

In Islam, the main building block for society is composed of the permanent relationship between a man and a woman in the form of marriage to establish a family. To protect and preserve this cornerstone, Islam forbids all forms of temporary (typically pre-marital) relationships between a man and a woman – this means private interactions with someone of the opposite gender, friendships with someone of the opposite gender, and illicit affairs or Western notions of boyfriend and girlfriend are all prohibited. Remember that God (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) never prohibits something unless it is harmful to us. These prohibitions limit activities that may put one at risk for harassment and rape, as well as protect the hearts of individuals not compatible for marriage.

Muslims in America may need to exercise extra restraint to comply with these Islamic requirements, as media - especially TV and movies - tend to promote Western notions that do not comply with the teachings of Islam. In addition, in the Western society of regular interactions between the two genders, people may be approached more for dating and therefore have to exercise extra restraint.

For both male and female, marriage should be the goal all along when interacting with someone of the opposite gender, even as either one or both develop feelings of love, since in Islam love should be for the sake of Allâh (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى). Prophet Mohammad (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) says:

As a convert, following the Islamic approach means you will be going against the norm of your social group as well as the traditions of your family, and this can be quite difficult. Remember though, just because something is normal for a society does not justify participating in it nor does it make it right. For example, in the society that the Prophet, Peace Be Upon Him, (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) lived, burying baby girls alive was the norm. Of course, the principles of Islam prohibited such barbarism, regardless of what was widespread at the time. In fact, the Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) told us that those who follow the right path will always be ‘different’ or ‘strange’ to the mainstream. In one hadith, the Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: “Islam initiated as something strange, and it would revert to its (old position) of being strange. so good tidings for the stranger.” (Reference: Hadith Related by Muslim, Book 1, #270).

“There are three qualities for which anyone who is characterized by them will relish the sweetness of faith: he to whom Allah (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) and His Messenger (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) are dearer than all else; he who loves a man for Allah's (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) sake alone; and he who has as great an abhorrence of returning to unbelief after Allah (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) has rescued him from it as he has of being cast into Hell.” (Reference: Hadith related by Muslim, Book 1, #67, 68)

As such, love should come with devoutness or piety, and without that it becomes mischief.

Interactions and friendships with someone of the opposite gender

Islam has set the ground rules for acceptable relationships between males and females. Allâh (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) knows what is best for you as an individual and what is best for the society as a whole. Islam prohibits a man and a woman from being alone together (known as khilwa, خلوة), and prohibits physical contact before marriage. These restrictions are very different from Western society’s accepted level of interaction between people of different genders, and will require adjustments by Muslim converts. Islam does not require extreme segregation, as both genders may operate as fully active members of society. What Islam does require is limiting unnecessary interactions, guarding one's gaze, and behaving appropriately.

Convert Tip: Unfortunately, some not-so-pious Muslims may target converts, hoping to have secret inappropriate interactions with them, thinking - because they are 'Western' or may have a 'past' - that they will be able to get away with it. Steer clear of such people and hold your ground that you are committed to following the Islamic rules. Don't let them make you think that such behavior is 'normal' or appropriate for Muslims, just because they have been Muslim longer than you.

Ladies: Watch out for men 'trolling' Facebook pages for American Muslim converts. We recommend ignoring their 'friend' requests and any ignoring messages they send you. If they post a comment like "MashAllah" on one of your pictures, they know this is inappropriate (they should divert their eyes, not subtly flirt) and this is a good reminder to lock down your Facebook profile.

In Islam, the objective harbored in any lawful interaction between a man and a woman should be for seeking marriage as the goal all along. When there is a proceeding towards marriage, matrimonial approach through proper and respectful channels should be pursued with this focus in mind, and with no temporary trial relationship phase. Friendships or unnecessary interactions (e.g. “hanging out”) between man and woman, even if seemingly innocent, have no place in Islam. Limiting friendships to same-gender individuals may be one of the more difficult lifestyle changes for a Muslim convert, especially during the process of informing existing opposite-gender friends about this change in friendships without being hurtful, or causing drama within one’s existing friend group, and re-establishing same-gender friends as the closer confidantes.

Clearly, all interactions between people of the opposite gender can not be avoided, such as in the workplace and in social settings. These interactions should be limited to only what is necessary, and seclusion is always to be avoided. There will likely be challenging situations to manage, for example if you have mandatory quarterly one-on-one performance meetings with your manager who happens to be of the opposite gender. If a meeting must be one-on-one, you can request these meetings take place in a quiet area of a more public space than your managers office, such as a quiet area of a coffee shop or the office cafeteria. Or you may request the office door be open during the meeting, or if the location must be private you can request to meet in a room with clear glass windows. It is clear such private conversations must take place, but these extra steps to reduce privacy not only help you comply with Islamic requirements, but also help prevent inappropriate workplace activities or even sexual harassment that may take place against you. The meeting should be terminated once the professional part is concluded, without entering into redundant friendly talk. The Islamic requirement of modest dressing and behaviors also compliment this safeguard.

Dating is prohibited

“And so (lawful to you, in marriage) are the virtuous/chaste women of the believers and the virtuous/chaste women of those who received the Scripture/Book before you (Jews and Christians) when you give them their due bridal dowers, desiring chastity (legal wedlock), not in lewdness/fornication (illegal sexual relationship), nor taking them as intrigues/concubines/girlfriends, whoso denieth/rejects faith, his work is vain/naught, and in the Hereafter shall be among the losers” (Reference: Qur'ân, Surat Al-Maeda 5:5)

Dating, as in having a one-on-one intimate pre-marital relationship, or privately getting to know each other in a very deep way, or spending time together alone, are all prohibited in Islam [6]. Verse 5:5 above lays out the basic ground rules for one to follow. In another verse, Allâh (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) addresses men “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (limit their looking for it becomes forbidden) and guard their private parts (be modest), that is purer for them. Indeed Allâh is acquainted with what they do” (Reference: Qur'ân, Surat Al-Noor, 24:30). Furthermore, Allâh (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) addresses women “And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and guard their private parts, and not display their zeenah (adornments) . . . ” (Reference: Qur'ân, Surat Al-Noor, 24:31). These two verses will obviously be violated even in private non-physical relationships that could “excite” either the male or female. The instruction to lower gaze for both men and women further prohibits them from looking beyond the first casual look, and that is inevitably violated by dating, living together, or spending time together alone, etc. Clearly extra-marital intercourse (zina) is prohibited, and is considered to be a grave sin in Islam. But Allâh (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) did not just prohibit zina, but instructed to maintain a margin of safety away from it, as He says:

“And come not near to the unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a Fâhishah [i.e. anything that transgresses its limits (a great sin)], and an evil way (that leads one to Hell unless Allâh forgives him).” (Reference: Qur'ân, Surat Al-Isra’ 17:32).

For more information regarding dating and Islam, refer to this article and this article.

What to Look for in a Spouse

The potential couple should thoroughly evaluate each other for compatibility in terms of character, religious foundation and commitment, honesty, good manners, family and social values, etc. Of these traits, the Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) placed faith and manner the most high.

The Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) says in guiding men in their search for their lifetime partner: “"A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.” (Reference: Hadith related by Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, #27) and "“A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status. her beauty and her religion, so try to get one who is religious, may your hand be besmeared with dust.” (Reference: Hadith related by Muslim, Book 8, #3457).

The Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman." (Reference: Hadith related by Muslim, Book 8, #3465).

To protect society, Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) encourage men who can't afford to marry to fast. (Reference: Hadith related by Bukhari, Volume 3, Book 31, #129). Also fasting is considered a shield in general. (Reference: Hadith related by Muslim, Book 6, #2565)

The Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman." (Reference: Hadith related Muslim, Book 8, #3465)

Islam is against racial discrimination and only ranks individuals on their level of righteousness and taqwa (piety). The Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) married women across ethnic lines, and therefore, in Islam, there is no ethnic bar to marriage. The Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) also made it very clear, in his last Khutba, that superiority in Islam is not based on blackness, whiteness, Arabness or the lack of it. While some Muslims may justify this as simply a measure to ensure compatibility between husband and wife, it is Islamically incorrect to discriminate upright Muslims on this basis. The Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) was once asked by his companions, "O Allah's Apostle! Who is the most honorable amongst the people (in Allah's Sight)?" He said, "The most righteous amongst them." (Reference: Hadith related by Bukhari, Volume 4, Book 55, #572). In another hadith, some people asked the Prophet: "Who is the most honorable amongst the people?" He replied, "The most honorable among them is the one who is the most Allah-fearing." (Reference: Hadith related by Bukhari, Volume 4, Book 55, #593). Clearly faith and manner should be given more emphasis than appearances, social status, race, culture, etc. Of course different cultures, education levels, etc. may present challenges, however, this should not overcome the emphasis on good traits and faith. This would occur with relatively more clarity as it develops in parallel with a potential mutual liking and/or mutual feelings, rather than being confounded by leading love and romance as could happen in the Western approach (pre-marital relationships), where the evaluation of compatibility may get clouded by the effects of the romantic courtship and physical involvement (somehow having an intimate romantic courtship, a physical relationship, or even living together have failed to produce reliable marriage success rates in the Western society).

Convert tip: Although Islamically one should avoid nationalistic restrictions on future spouses, you will likely encounter many Muslims who themselves, or have parents who, state that they will only marry someone from their own country/region. This can be extremely discouraging to converts! Remind them what Islam says about traits to look for in a spouse - that piety should trump your origins and all else. If they are set in their ways, cut ties and move on - do not let them continue dragging you along in hopes that things will eventually change.

Who Muslims are permitted to marry

Neither Muslim men nor Muslim women are allowed to marry a non-believer. Allâh (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) says:

"Do not marry unbelieving (infidel) women until they believe; for a believing slave woman is better than an unbelieving woman (infidel) even though she may allure/please you (even if you like her). Nor marry your women to unbelieving men (infidel) until they believe: a believing man slave is better than an unbelieving man (infidel), even though he may allure/please you (even if you like him). Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the fire. But Allah (SWT, سبحانه وتعالى) beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of Bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear (expounded) to mankind: that they may receive admonition." (Reference: Qur'ân, Surat Al-Baqara, 2:221).

While verse 5:5 permits Muslim men to marry Muslim women or women among the People of the Book (i.e. Christians or Jews), it is not an encouraged option. Although there will be some common religious ground since the Muslim man also believes in the Jewish and Christian Prophets (AS, عليهم السلام) and their messages (in their true original form), many challenges will need to be managed, and they must agree to raise their children as Muslims.

Matrimonial approach

Many marriages in the Muslim world are coordinated and/or mediated by parents or guardians on one or both ends. However the couple is introduced - whether through meeting at work, via friends, or via family - both families are quickly brought in to the process. There are recurring periods of mediated and overseen discussions between the two potential spouses (but none occurring in isolation), such as the man making visits to the meet the woman at her parents’ home or in a public place and, in both cases, in the presence of a guardian (e.g. her father or brother or uncle or a close adult male relative who is a Muhram (محرم) to her, i.e. cannot marry her).

When they meet, the couple should focus on asking questions to eachother to determine compatibility. Such significant questions so early may seem shocking to you or your family, but it is a great way to 'cut to the chase' to determine compatibility instead of dragging something along only years down the road to finally have such discussions.

Contrary to western culture, there is no period of engagement when the man and woman are not in official wedlock yet spend time alone together or meet or talk or go out in isolation.

As a convert, you or your parents may not feel comfortable having them take such an active role in your spouse-searching efforts. You may find that an older sibling is more comfortable to participate in this approach. Otherwise, you may want to identify a local Islamic teacher or mentor to help you through this process.

This approach may be shocking to your family. It may be helpful to calmly, thoroughly talk with them about this approach and the benefits of following it. You may want to ask a local teacher, mentor, or experienced married convert to meet with them and talk through this approach.

Convert tip: Have a personal policy that after the first interaction with someone, if you both would like to pursue this further, that you must speak with their parents at the next meeting (over phone or in person). This will prevent someone with ill-intentions from dragging you along in something they don't have serious commitment to or who deep down thinks their parents may not be open to marrying a convert. If the other person is evasive toward you meeting their parents, do not allow them to pursue this any further with you.

List of questions to ask a potential spouse to consider compatibility:

What is the role of religion in your life? What do you want to improve on?
Do you pray all 5 daily prayers? Do you pray them on time? If not, why? Do you fast during Ramadan, do you eat halal, etc. etc. ?
What would you do if your spouse became lazy in their prayers, or other Islamic obligations?
What do you foresee the roles of us each to be in the house when there's kids/no kids / one working / both working?
Do you expect all decisions to be made as a couple, considering the other's views? Or do you believe the man makes all the decisions even if the wife disagrees? How will you manage this situation?
What are the three most important requirements you look for in a potential spouse?
Are you seeking a polygamous marriage? Explain why/ why not in detail.
How would you expect your spouse to dress?
When you have company over, what do you anticipate my role to be? My obligations? Will I eat with you or eat separately?
Where do you want to live (country) at different stages of your life? Would you pay for me to return home to visit my family? How frequently and for what duration? What if after living in that country for some time, I don't feel comfortable living there anymore - would you move back? Are you willing on putting this in your marriage contract?
When do you want to have children? How many? How soon?
Do you want your children to attend an Islamic school?
What types of discipline do you believe in for children?
Do you support the idea of utilizing baby-sitters and maids?
What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?
Will you have friends of the opposite gender, and what do you think of your spouse having friends of the opposite gender?
Describe your thoughts regarding household financials. Will there be transparency in spending? Will we have separate or joint accounts?
How do you feel about the wife working (with or without kids)?
How do you feel about celebrating birthdays or American holidays? Would you attend my family holiday gatherings?

If you got married, and your spouse's family needed financial assistance would you be willing to help them if/when the need arises?
How involved will you allow your in-laws to get? If there is a conflict between your parents and me, would you side with me if I was right?
If your family mistreats your spouse in a matter, how would you handle the situation?
If your spouse mistreat your family in a situation, how would you handle the situation?
If a family conflict reaches an unresolvable solution, and either your family or your spouse gives you the ultimate that it is “you or them”, how would you resolve the matter?
Will your spouse be obligated to care (physically or financially) for the in-laws if they live with you?
Do you want your family to live with us at some point? If conflicts arise with them living with us, are you open to other arrangements for your parents?
What is your opinion of speaking other languages in the home that I do not understand? With friends? With family?
How would you express yourself emotionally and romantically in marriage? After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public? Are you good at apologizing? How much time passes before you forgive someone?

When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in a marriage? Are you willing to have intervention via an Imam, counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist if needed?
Define mental, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse.
How would you feel about me hugging cousins and aunts/uncles of the opposite gender?
What do you think are the household responsibilities and parenting responsibilities if both of us are working and no kids, if both of us are working and there are kids, if one of us is working and there are no kids, if one of us is working and there are kids? What would a daily routine look like in each of these scenarios?

In addition to compatibility, it still is important to be attracted to the other person. This means you must be able to see eachother prior to marriage. Of course, until you are married, you can only display to the other person what you can display normally Islamically (see our clothing page for guidance). There are some misconceptions that you need to show your hair if you wear hijab - this is not true. See here for an article on this topic.

It is important in Islam to seek your parent's input regarding the other person. The parents should look for the same traits as you look for in your spouse (see section above) and have an obligation to not prevent a marriage between a compatible couple, especially for shallow or cultural reasons.

Once the couple determines they are compatible and would like to pursue marriage, it is tradition for each person to pray for guidance - typically a scripted prayer known as the istikhara prayer is conducted. See this page for more information about the istikhara prayer.

After the process of istikhara, if the couple decides to pursue marriage, typically the man asks the woman's father for his permission to marry her. There are many other cultural traditions that follow: Both families collectively silently read Surah al Fatiha, and this signifies that they are going to pursue their marriage path. Then they discuss the dowry (which in Islam, the female receives), the living arrangements for when they are married, details of an engagement party (if there is one), and details of the wedding. Then they sign an Islamic marriage contract (katb al-katab) and also the legal marriage - typically this is done at a mosque by an Imam. Then is the wedding event which satisfies the Islamic requirement of making the event public. Specifics may vary by culture.

Convert Tips:
Do not advance the marriage process with someone who hasn't respectfully involved their parents in this process.

Women: When it comes to dowry, ask the man (and others from his region) what amount is common in his region/culture. Ask for the dollar amount of any previous dowries he has offered. Don't let a man take advantage of your lack of dowry familiarity by offering you an inappropriately low dowry. At the same time, don't set a high dowry for bragging purposes or a 'get rich quick' approach. Set a reasonable dowry that is attainable for your future husband, reasonable in his culture, and one that will help sustain you in case something happens in the marriage.

For the wedding event, find a balance in respecting both cultures. You don't need to 'suddenly become Arab' for your wedding. Incorporate some of each other's traditions and find compromises. Make sure the event doesn't seem alien to either of your families. If a dinner reception will trigger certain cultural expectations that are not in line with Islamic prohibitions, then consider a brunch reception.

Marriage must be by choice

In the marriage process, Islam prohibits a man nor woman from being forced or coerced or compelled into accepting marriage; rather, both should voluntarily come to that conclusion based on their comfort with one another and their mutual liking/feelings. The woman should also deliver her consent before the marriage can move forward, as the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) has stated: “The widow or the divorced woman shall not be married until she has consented to marriage and the virgin shall not be married until her consent is sought” – It was asked, "O Allâh's Apostle! How will she (the virgin) express her consent?" He said, "By keeping silent." (Reference: Hadith related by Muslim, Book 8, #3303–8) A woman's family of course should be part of the screening & approval process, but the guardian should not pressure or compel the woman into accepting a certain marriage proposal if she is not willing to accept, as the Prophet (PBUH, SAW, صلى الله عليه وسلم) did nullify the marriage of a girl who complained to him that her father had married her against her wishes.

Additional avenues to meet other Muslims for marriage prospects

Nowadays, some Muslims are turning to the Internet as a means to search for their future spouse. Some popular matrimonial websites are provided below. Matrimonial sites allow one to meet Muslims for marriage prospects while not breaking any Islamic rules. Using these sites, people can read one another’s profiles, exchange a few anonymous messages through the matrimonial service’s messaging system, and then can contact each other’s families to continue the marriage path.

In addition, some mosques or Muslim groups organize marriage events. This is similar to Western ‘speed dating’ events, and allow Muslims to meet face-to-face in a structured and supervised environment. Family members or other guardians are encouraged to accompany singles and provide objective feedback to the event attendee.

Local Resources Available

If you are "talking" to someone, are "engaged", or are even recently married, then premarital counseling is highly recommended. It helps a young couple start off on the same foot with some healthy relationship management tools in their pocket. Many young Muslim couples either have zero relationship experience or the only relationship experience they have are not healthy experiences, therefore counseling can also guide them on what is healthy behaviors, in identifying & communicating what each needs to be happy, etc.

Two Chicagoland counseling centers that offer marriage counseling through an Islamic lens:

Khalil center